Wimbledon, Pigeons, and Barn Swallows

Officials at The All England Tennis & Croquet Club, home of the Wimbledon Tennis Championships, are coming under fire from PETA for the shooting of some pigeons. It seems that the pigeons are pretty numerous and have been a problem for some time. As a matter of fact, the club actually employs two hawks whose express purpose is to discourage pigeon patronage. I’m not sure how you “employ” a hawk. Do they pay taxes? Are they unionized? Ah, but I digress. It seems the hawks turned chicken and stopped putting up a defense against the pigeon menace. The pigeons began dive bombing players at Centre Court and dropping little “gifts” on patrons at the club restaurant. This, understandably, was deemed bad for business. So, marksmen were hired to plug a few of the offenders. These pigeon punishers took out a few, winged a few (pun fully intended), and told the rest to spread the word of what would happen to them if they showed their beaks in the vicinity again. Shortly, and predictably, thereafter, officials from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) issued a statement condemning the action and notifying the police. So, it is quite the mess over there (pun fully intended, again).

Now, I’m not sure I agree with the shooting of these pigeons. It seems that pooping on tables might not warrant capital punishment. Maybe something along the lines of a fine from the health department and being forced to watch Disney’s “Chicken Little” for 24 straight hours would have been punishment enough for these foul fowls (Ok, that one was a little much even for me). However, I can sympathize with these Wimbledon officials as I have a similar problem. My front and back porches have been taken over by flocks of barn swallows.

This began several years ago when a pair of these swallows built a little nest under the eave of the front porch. They were cute, quiet, and just trying to raise a family in peace like the rest of us. So, I left them alone. Their babies hatched and they all flew away after a couple of months. No big deal. Well, it seems that barn swallows return to the same place year after year to nest. It also seems they decided to bring the extended family with them this year. The word must have spread to some of their friends as more swallows moved onto the eave under our back porch. I don’t care much for the back yard birds, as there are three of them sharing a nest. I can’t say I approve of such a living arrangement. Who knew swallows were swingers? Well, it didn’t take long before they made a complete mess of both porches. It is too bad there is no market for barn swallow “guano” as I could be rich.

Well, my little bride decided this was an unacceptable situation and told me I needed to get rid of them. Easier said than done, I’m afraid. I’ve taken a power hose to their muddy nests repeatedly. They just retreated, waited until I was finished, and began rebuilding. Being the intelligent guy that I am, I realized, after doing this daily for about two weeks, that this tactic wasn’t working. I suggested buying a couple of fake owls to place on the porch. I hoped this would scare the little rats with wings off. My little bride, however, wouldn’t have it. She felt it would make the front of the house ugly. She didn’t answer when I questioned her about what two feet of swallow poop would do for the décor (she did lovingly suggest it might be more comfortable for me to sleep on the couch that night). I suggested a couple of rubber snakes next. I could put them on the eaves of the porches and they would not be visible. Hopefully, the swallows would high tail it out of there once they saw the snakes. Who would have thought a couple of rubber snakes would be so hard to find? I looked everywhere with no luck. So, I’ve placed a couple of jump ropes up on the eaves of the porches hoping the little bird brains will think they are snakes. It seems to have worked on the swinging trio who were nesting on the back porch. The large group on the front porch, nicknamed the Waltons, don’t seem to be buying it, however. They have gathered on the far edge of the porch, away from the “double dutch snake”, and seem to be plotting what to do next. I’m not sure how this is going to turn out but I’m looking into “employing” some hawks next. Texas is a right to work state, after all, and I won’t have to deal with their union.

My best…